You've got the poison, I've got the remedy
Sunday, September 07, 2008
happen so fast i din have time to cry, to think.
saturday, i went back to visit my grandmother as usual, me and my mum, cus my dad went to germany for training. she had difficulty breathing, as she was breathing through her nose. like blowing bubbles. at first we didnt noe, and she would like shout all of a sudden. continued throughout the day, and through the night. my aunt came back too cus my mum called her.
Sunday morning we went back after assurance from my uncle that she was ok and it was normal.
so i reached spore at around 1-2pm. and was so tired i slept till 5 woke up. ate dabao from my brother. at 6pm, my aunt called, say my grandma passed away. followed by lots of crying from my mum, and me shocked. then we faster packed our stuff, and went back to malaysia again. reached pontian at 8-9. cus the ride is damn long.
My fathers brother came to fetch us to the parlour. and then i saw her body. dressed up in a "shou pao" by then. mum kneeled down and loss control all of sudden, crying and asking why. I couldnt cry, i dunno why. then we went to her side, and talked to her. i told her i was here to see her.my mum too. after that we bathed quickly, and then returned to help out. din sleep that night, helping out and taking care of my mum. she cried occasionaly, and i helped burn the paper, supposedly they say was for my grandma to find her way. so we shouldnt let the fire stop. throughout the night i burnt, and rest, and burnt till morning. then next day, they brought the coffin over.
everything happened so fast.
but it brought everyone together i guess. my ah kim told me that my grandma was asking for me at 3-4 that sunday. i wished i was there. i wished i was there. but its a relief, cus at least shes freed from suffering.
on the 3rd day they had these teochew funeral procession. at first i couldnt believe it costed 5000. but i knew why after i saw it. even though i couldnt understand a single word, it was so captivating, their expressions, their music and all.
and the last sixth day, her body was sent to the burial ground. nice place, the scenery is very nice.
on the seventh day, we woke up early to go back to the burial ground, cus there were stilll some rites, and managed to catch the sunrise. my grandma's grave was directly facing it. after that my aunt and uncles went "sightseeing", looking at other people's graves. and guess what we found, a neighbour of my grandma in the past. and funny thing is like last time, how their houses were arranged, 1 back and 1 forth, their graves were also in line, 1 back and 1 forth, just separated by a line of graves. everyone tot it was a good sign. cus at least my ah ma has a fren to talk to. it helped lighten everyones grieving. then we went back to ah ma's house, to finish the rites. after that it was bye bye.
my thoughts are, no matter how much u regret, how much u cry, it won't help bring anything back. So stop being obstinate, and try to understand everything your parents are doing for you.
You may sumtimes think they are unfair and what they do to you is wrong. But no one's perfect, what they are doing may be how they care, and hope you turn out to be a better person. Lastly, no amount of repaying will suffice for what your mum and dad has done for you since you were young.It took me 18 years to realise this. but im glad i did. Cus that leaves just that little time for me to love and take care of my mum.
My only regrets to my grandma was i couldnt be there when she asked for me, and i only learned to speak and understand hokkien 1 or 2 years back. I had all the time in the world to talk to her when i was young. But my understanding was only limited to yes or no. Least shes happy now.
After i came back, i felt so tired and sian i didn't feel like doing anything. i don't feel like dancing, i don't feel like doing FYP. i just want to go back to my grandma's house, and wake up everyday to a life of peace,serenity and happiness. But i tink its just a passing feeling, a sense of lost and sadness.
You've got the poison,
I've got the remedy.
@11:30 PM
